i just don't know anymore

so, yesterday was my birthday and i supposed i should be pretty happy that i'm now completely legal and do anything i want except rent a car. however, i'm not. i'm not happy or excited or anything at all. i'm quite the opposite. i wish i have never taken vacation. i hate my father. i hate school at the moment. and i've never wanted to be in new york more than i have now. today i wish i had never moved down here. i'm at a complete loss. i feel worthless right now and very alone. both of which i hate. i don't know what's going on. i feel ignored and walked over, and sad, sorry, just all sorts of shitty. like no one wants to be around me. like i have some weird disease or growth all over my face. i keep getting my hopes up and they always crash down around me. i just don't understand it. i'm more deserving than this. i shouldn't be feeling shitty, i'm better than that. i just feel that everything that happens to me is undeserved. i feel cheated and unappreciated, and i'm fucking sick of it. maybe i just have too much time on my hands. maybe... i don't know what to think anymore. i'm too cynical, sarcastic, and now my face is all puffy and my nose is running. am i really this sad of a person? am i depressing? do i really have no life? no friends? i hate these thoughts. i feel that i'm lying to everyone and myself about being happy all the damn time. am i faking it? should i never have moved down here? i act like i'm all sorts of happy. i have nice things, i have my own place, i work and go to school, so i'm obviously making something of myself. maybe i need a change of scenery. maybe i have absolutely no idea what i need and that's killing me. i'm just not having a good day. maybe i'm too used to getting what i want, and now that i don't have it, i'm upset. and now i have a headache. i was so excited about this week, and now i'm dreading it.

who the fuck knows. i hate being this way. i know i'm not ugly, but i feel it. i feel unattractive. i feel like shit. i could drink myself into a stupor, but i don't know what good that'll do me. i just feel lost, out of touch with what i really want. out of touch with who i am. am i really the tiny little girl with the fiesty attitude and tattoos and piercings, or am i something else. if i am something else, what is it? why do i always seem to get screwed over. is it something i do? is it written on me somewhere? i know it'll be just more of the same in NY, but for some reason i think the cold, dinginess would better suit me right now. i thought that living so far away from my parents would do me well, but it obviously hasn't. it's so nice out, and i have shit to do. seriously. i have projects, but i don't feel like working on them right now. i feel like curling up into a little ball in some dark corner. i haven't even eaten yet. i wanna get outta here. i realy do. i don't know where i'd go though.

i don't know what i'm feeling right now. hopelessness i guess. i fear that i kee screwing up way too much. i almost fear that what i said to jake was wrong. should i have kept him around? who knows. we weren't great for each other, but maybe that's what i crave. maybe i keep craving the wrong things in life. but, how do i know what's wrong and what's right? they say you can feel it, but i'm not so sure anymore. maybe i just need to shut the fuck up. i really do like charlotte, but i feel that it's not enough for me. do i need to move on? do i need to go somewhere else? do i need something bigger? i do need to eat, i know that. that's about all i know though. i know that i'm probably being unreasonable, but i just can't help that right about now. i know i'm craving more ink. hopefully it's something i don't regret. there are times i do. there are times i regret all my tattoos, and piercings. i regret several things. some of the people i've let in especially. just one let down after another. fuck, i'm in the process of setting up a law suit against one. i told one off the other day, but i fear it was the wrong thing to do. like i've said before, i just don't know anything anymore. other than the obvious. i'm hungry, my head hurts, i push away those i need most, i have no mascara left and i look like i've been punched in the face.

well, i think i've written enough about my self-loathing for a lifetime.