contemplations

so, i appear that it is finally time that i post a blog that has actual meaning to my life. not that the others haven't, but i mean this will be much more personal. we all have fears in our lives, whether they are absurd or well founded. i believe that my stupid fears stem from me being so much like my mother. i hate being mean, unless i'm absolutely compelled to be so. i can't bear the thought of getting old and wrinkly, much less gain weight. but, i believe that my other fears are, as i've previously stated well founded, and perhaps deep seeded since i was a child.

i fear that i may not be good enough at design work. i feel that sometimes my work is lacking when compared to others. i always feel that other perople's work is more innovative or interesting. it seems like i never receive that praise that i feel i deserve. i worked just as fucking hard as the kid next to me, i may have put more thought into it as well. but who knows, i think i'm decent at what i do, i'm a hard worker.

i have a fear of being alone. not in the sense i freak out being by myself, but in that i'll never find that someone who is worthy of me or them of my affections. i have this fear that i've always got my standards set too high and because of that i'm way too picky about who and who i don't date. i do believe i have the right to be cautious, but i often fear that i'm overly-cautious. i don't want to be like my parents. they finally figured out that have 20+ years of marriage, they didn't really like each other after all. my mother's almost 54, i don't think there will be too many suitors awaiting for someone that age in their line. that scares the shit out of me. it really does. some people are completely happy being single, and could be the rest of their lives, but i don't know if that's a possibility. i think this is from my parent's relationship, or lack thereof. in the 19 years of their marriage i was alive, i remember my mother telling my father she loved him once, and never heard him say it. i'm scared that i may not be open enough or out going enough to get someone who really is right for me, i just don't think that i should have to take the first step.

apparently i've just got a mother fucker of an inferiority complex. or maybe it's just the alcohol. maybe a combination of both. maybe it's my biological clock already ticking like it's running out, and i'm not yet 21.