ataraxia

so i have absolutely nothing to write. seriously. i mean, i could talk about how i hafta redesign a logo for a gay club. how i hafta design my own typeface. i need to design a shirt based on my cultural identity. that i'm overworked and under paid. and i really just need to get out of school already. but i don't feel like going into detail. i honestly just want to be able to post something that's not full of complaints some day. well, all good things to those who wait i suppose.

the hanged man

so, i feel as if i'm at a stand still. everyday i keep hating my father more and more. so that equates to serious male issues. i'm sorry, i don't like if a guy says they're going to call and then doesn't. sorry, i have lived with it too too long. and i've been with guys who don't call back either. and i'm sick of it.

and...i really am tired. i'm off sunday...and that excites me. i just need a monday or a tuesday off so i can get even more filled in on my back. but it looks as if that's not going to happen. oh well...such is life. i also need to go to a dentist, i need my teeth cleaned and fear i may have a cavity or 2.

oh well, i'm going to make this short b/c i have a beer open. and i love beer. a lot. yay for my sister bringing me molson.

what do ya know...

so, lots has happened i suppose. well, i don't know if i can really truly say that. i mean, nothing of great importance has really happened i guess. nothing earth shattering or mind blowing or what have you. other than i hafta go back to work this week, which is always tough to do after a week off, but i welcome being busy again.

um, i've decided that i'm going to cut off all contact with my father, because he's a douche and doesn't care about either of his daughters. he sends down bills with christmas presents, calls me drunk on my birthday. tells me he has no money to help me pay off my bed, yet goes on a week long vacation to florida to golf, and then brags to my sister that he only spent $400. seriously. he lives an hour away from my sister, and never sees her, only calls when her car insurance is due. never calls me, except when he needs something as well. oh well. his loss i say.

i've also decided to become celibate or abstainate, or whatever you wanna call it. oh man, don't even ask why, but let's just say this one here had to do a wee bit of acting. it wasn't so special. but i'm certainly not doing this for religious reasons. merely personal. so there.

in regards to the previous paragraph, it also seems that i am yet again a hot commodity. in ben's words, everyone wants a piece of the "lindsay pie." but i'm in no mood to serve anyone, or let anyone even have a tasty sample. sorry boys, i've put on my "no entry" sign yet again. then again, i haven't really had the greatest of experiences, you've got jake...and that was just boring. typical missionary style boy. and this next person, who will remain unnamed, tried to take advantage of some flexibility i may have been endowed with, yet almost popped my leg out of socket. which is just no fun. anyway, i'm freaking bored. no, not just freaking bored, but really fucking bored.

i think i need a change of scenery. maybe i shall take a trip somewhere. i dunno where though, if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.

i think i'll end this little bit and carry on again at another time. bye bye loves.

seven incarnations

Taken from Mark Z. Danielewki's House of Leaves:

There are seven incarnations (and six correlates) necessary to becomming an Artist: 1. Explorer (Courage) 2. Surveyor (Vision) 3. Miner (Strength) 4. Refiner (Patience) 5. Designer (Intelligence) 6. Maker (Experience) 7. Artist.

First, you must leave the safety of your home and go into the dangers of the world, whether to an actual territory or some unexamined aspect of the psyche. This is what is meant by 'Explorer.' Next, you must have the vision to recognize your destination once you arrive there. Note that a destination may sometimes also be the journey. This is what is meant by 'Surveyor.' Third, you must be strong enough to dig up facts, follow veins of history, unearth telling details. This is what is meant by 'Miner.' Fourth, you must have the patience to winnow and process your material into something rare. This may take months or even years. And this is what is meant by 'Refiner.' Fifth, you must use your intellect to conceive of your material as something meaning more than its origins. This is what is meant by 'Designer.' Six, you must fashion a work independent of everything that has gone before it including yourself. This is accomplished through experience and is what is meant by 'Maker.' At this stage, the work is acceptable. You will be fortunate to have progressed so far. It is unlikely, however, that you will go any farther. Most do not. But let us assume that you are exceptional. Let us assume you are rare. What then does it mean to reach the final incarnation? Only this: at every stage, from 1 thru 6, you will risk more, see more, gather more, process more, fashion more, consider more, love more, suffer more, imagine more, and in the end know why less means more and leave what doesn't and keep what implies and create what matters. This is what is meant by 'Artist.'

bored x 100

100 Things You Might Not Have Known About Me.

1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT RING?
nope, cant say that i have

2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?
7 months, yeah, i guess that's not my strong point

3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
iPod thingie from my mommy

4. EVER DROPPED A CELLPHONE?
i try not to, but it happens

5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
i don't have time for that shit

6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON?
shoes

7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
homemade mac and cheese

8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
teeth

9. ONE FAVORITE SONG?
of all time: godhead's lament - opeth

10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
charlotte

11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED:
JCB

12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER:
verizon

13. FAVORITE MALL STORE:
fuck the mall, go thrift stores and vintage stores

14. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD:
homer d poe land, going on 3 years

15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?
nope

16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?:
haha drunk dialing is more my style

17. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED:
i honestly don't think i've been to one

18. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY:
leanne

19. LAST TIME YOU ATTENDED CHURCH:
my grandfather's memorial service about 5 years ago...oh well...

20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:
chik-fil-a

21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE HEARD?
anything that ever came out of mr. jake's mouth

23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?
the penguin or yorkmont cafe

24. CAN YOU COOK?
oh yes, only hard things though

27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:
tuesday, i hate my father

28. MOST DISLIKED FOOD:
almost anything processed

29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
my ability to see the good people, but i also think that's my main downfall

30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
see above, and i trust WAY too easily

where is 31


32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?:
11 hours

33. FAVORITE MOVIE?:
eraserhead

34. CAN YOU SING?
heck yes

35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED?:
queen city underground, well, more like bo white. but last real concert was bleeding through, ETID, between the buried and me, and some other band

36. LAST KISS?:
last night

37. LAST MOVIE RENTED:
napoleon dynamite? yes, yes i do believe it's been that long

38. THING YOU NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT?:
phone

39. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT?:
don't really have a favorite...i used to like my family's camp up north, but it's been so long

41. DO YOU LIKE CHINESE FOOD?
heck yes

42. IS YOUR ROOM CLEAN?:
i'm a very clean person, you could eat off my floors

43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?:
i <3 my laptop

44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?: eddie izzard

45. DO YOU SMOKE? at times

46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES? sometimes

47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?: no one

48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?: i don't think i'd ever heard of a successful one, and i've never attempted one, so i vote no

49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE?: never, knock on wood

50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST? neither

51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?: oh i love me some caribou 52. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? scrambled

53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? not what they say is going to happen each day, but i believe what the sign says about a person's personality is true

54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?: doug

55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?: my mom

56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECEIVED?: "fuckin' with my car, u ok?"

57. MCDONALDS OR BURGER KING? neither

58. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?: 2

59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?: t-shirt and really light weight pants

60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC OR SONG: "i am not a pretty girl, that is not who i am..." (ani)

61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J gross

62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL? heck yes, and i'm pretty good, i grew up in a bar for fuck's sake 63.

CAN YOU SWIM? ok, besides growing up in a bar, i grew up at m family's camp which is on a lake, and my aunt's pool, i had to learn if i didn't want to drown

64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM ben & jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough

65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?: no, i rely on my sense of direction

66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF? my arms are double jointed?

68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?: ha, no

69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?: fall

70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID? does that stupid jennifar girl in class count? she's stupid...

71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING? 9:06

72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER? nothing? 73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?: never got one, again knock on wood

75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?: frost

76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?: hahahaha, depends on what kinda pirate they are

77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND?? no idea. i don't really know what i'm doing tomorrow

78. BIRTHDATE: it was monday

79. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE: an artist of some sort, maybe a layout director at a magazine

85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?: chyeah, i love my mac

87. ARE YOU SMILING?: um, no

88. DO YOU HAVE ON EYELINER?: yes

89. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW? yes, yes i do

90. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?: france

91. DO YOU HAVE A MYSPACE? yes, but i'm not a big fan of it

92. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?: hahahaha, i should hope not

93. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?: no

94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?: for what? a person? a pet? a plant?

95. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?: which one? i have several

96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?: well, we go all year 'round, so no

97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?: haha, no

98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?: no

99. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER? yes i have 1

100. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS? no, i live on the first floor. but you know who is on the next floor up? the devil child

i just don't know anymore

so, yesterday was my birthday and i supposed i should be pretty happy that i'm now completely legal and do anything i want except rent a car. however, i'm not. i'm not happy or excited or anything at all. i'm quite the opposite. i wish i have never taken vacation. i hate my father. i hate school at the moment. and i've never wanted to be in new york more than i have now. today i wish i had never moved down here. i'm at a complete loss. i feel worthless right now and very alone. both of which i hate. i don't know what's going on. i feel ignored and walked over, and sad, sorry, just all sorts of shitty. like no one wants to be around me. like i have some weird disease or growth all over my face. i keep getting my hopes up and they always crash down around me. i just don't understand it. i'm more deserving than this. i shouldn't be feeling shitty, i'm better than that. i just feel that everything that happens to me is undeserved. i feel cheated and unappreciated, and i'm fucking sick of it. maybe i just have too much time on my hands. maybe... i don't know what to think anymore. i'm too cynical, sarcastic, and now my face is all puffy and my nose is running. am i really this sad of a person? am i depressing? do i really have no life? no friends? i hate these thoughts. i feel that i'm lying to everyone and myself about being happy all the damn time. am i faking it? should i never have moved down here? i act like i'm all sorts of happy. i have nice things, i have my own place, i work and go to school, so i'm obviously making something of myself. maybe i need a change of scenery. maybe i have absolutely no idea what i need and that's killing me. i'm just not having a good day. maybe i'm too used to getting what i want, and now that i don't have it, i'm upset. and now i have a headache. i was so excited about this week, and now i'm dreading it.

who the fuck knows. i hate being this way. i know i'm not ugly, but i feel it. i feel unattractive. i feel like shit. i could drink myself into a stupor, but i don't know what good that'll do me. i just feel lost, out of touch with what i really want. out of touch with who i am. am i really the tiny little girl with the fiesty attitude and tattoos and piercings, or am i something else. if i am something else, what is it? why do i always seem to get screwed over. is it something i do? is it written on me somewhere? i know it'll be just more of the same in NY, but for some reason i think the cold, dinginess would better suit me right now. i thought that living so far away from my parents would do me well, but it obviously hasn't. it's so nice out, and i have shit to do. seriously. i have projects, but i don't feel like working on them right now. i feel like curling up into a little ball in some dark corner. i haven't even eaten yet. i wanna get outta here. i realy do. i don't know where i'd go though.

i don't know what i'm feeling right now. hopelessness i guess. i fear that i kee screwing up way too much. i almost fear that what i said to jake was wrong. should i have kept him around? who knows. we weren't great for each other, but maybe that's what i crave. maybe i keep craving the wrong things in life. but, how do i know what's wrong and what's right? they say you can feel it, but i'm not so sure anymore. maybe i just need to shut the fuck up. i really do like charlotte, but i feel that it's not enough for me. do i need to move on? do i need to go somewhere else? do i need something bigger? i do need to eat, i know that. that's about all i know though. i know that i'm probably being unreasonable, but i just can't help that right about now. i know i'm craving more ink. hopefully it's something i don't regret. there are times i do. there are times i regret all my tattoos, and piercings. i regret several things. some of the people i've let in especially. just one let down after another. fuck, i'm in the process of setting up a law suit against one. i told one off the other day, but i fear it was the wrong thing to do. like i've said before, i just don't know anything anymore. other than the obvious. i'm hungry, my head hurts, i push away those i need most, i have no mascara left and i look like i've been punched in the face.

well, i think i've written enough about my self-loathing for a lifetime.

no luck

so, apparently today is not my day for piercings. i've lost a plug. and the ball on the one in my navel has disappeared. so i'm going to go to the penguin to eat a late lunch. and then i'll be going to sadu's. because from what i've seen, it is the best place down here for piercing stuff. so i'll be getting a new one for my tummy, and probably all 4 of my lobe piercings stretched. i really don't want to stretch them, but i apparently cannot have 6's in my back holes for they just fall right through. and i need to get more silicone o-rings because the black rubber ones fuck up my ears. so yay. i'm spending money. i was gonna do all this yesterday, but i was a little too hung over to leave the house. let's just say i woke up at 1 and was still drunk. no good. oh well, today is a little better other than i couldn't sleep for shit last night, i think i maybe got an hour. meh, so i guess that's one thing i suck at, sleeping. i can't sleep for anything lately. oh well, this is enough for now. tata.

it's beautiful out

it is quite lovely outside. and if the meteorologists are actually right, it'll be about 80 today. but guess where i'll be? at the home freaking depot. i really need to get outta school and get a real job. monday through friday, 9-5. that'd be lovely. but no, sister's gotta go to work at the HD today. at least i'm off tomorrow and it's supposed to be super lovely tomorrow again.

but now i'm just sitting around before i hafta go into work because i have some silkening treatment in my hair and i don't go in until 1. woopdi-do. maybe i can actually get a move on and do my tuition rembursemnt form and get that fucker sent in. i just gotta make sure i get "grandfathered" in because i want the amount i've been getting. they changed their program and lessened the amount one can get. fuck that. i've been there almost 3 years, i deserve what i've been getting. i'm the bitch of the store. i worked 11 hours on wednesday and i'm the official sign maker because my writing is so beautious.

oh well. enough of that tone of voice. i went to some indie show last night and bought the BEST shirt ever. "sex without love" is what it says. i don't even know what that means, or what the band sounds like. i just liked the shirt. meh. and bo white is pretty freaking good. nothing better musically than a man and his guitar. seriously. it's like, so, like raw or something. haha, god. shoot me for that one.

i'm pretty much just rambling right now. i'd love to go back to bed, but one can only sleep for so long. freedom park would be excellent right now. go climb on the train and such. heck yes. a cold beer would be even better right now.

OH! i do have some happy news. some asshole named jake got fired. that makes me happy. erica at work told me yesterday, and it made me giggle. ok, well, i was more like jumping up and down and clapping. but i giggled a little. fucker deserves that. karma is a wonderful thing. just goes to show. the first time he was an ass, he blew out a tire. the second time, his TV broke. the third and last time, he gets fired. what an effect i have on people's lives. i did try calling him last night and i was gonna be like, "hi! how's it going fucker? how's work been treatin' ya?" just to be an asshole. but i can't gloat too too much, for i fear that karma will have something in store for me if i do.

well, it looks like 5 minutes are up, and i need to take a shower, eat something and get my arse to work. tata for now.